Tuesday, January 09, 2001

Women Should NOT Cut Their Hair

This Rant was originally posted on January 9th, 2001 on Thee Loop.

Just to let you guys know, this topic has been bothering me for quite a while now. Also, I've had about 5 cups of coffee and I'm prone to wandering off the subject. Now, with that obligatory disclaimer out of the way, I can continue my psychological profile of women who cut their hair short and the men who like it.
For those women reading this, know that no heterosexual man likes a woman to have hair like a boy. Very few women can pull off this look with any measure of success. Meg Ryan is one of these women. You do not, nor will you ever, look like Meg Ryan. Therefore, getting a "Meg Ryan" ("Jennifer Aniston", etc.) will not make you look like a multi-gazillion-dollar-a-year actress. Don't even try. Shoulder length hair and longer is fine. Do not get it cut shorter that this. That is, don't cut it unless you want to turn off all attractiveness to the male species.

For the men reading this, you know what I'm talking about (if you don't, I'll talk about you later). Most men cried when Melissa Stark chopped off her hair. Thank God she's growing it back out. (Could this be why she's leading the Playboy poll for the newscastress that most folks would like to see naked?) Most men, at some point, have had a girlfriend/wife that has pulled this shit. They come home with a bobbed hairdo (or, as I like to call it: a Bob hairdo), and they want us to tell her that it looks good. Lie, and you'll have to live with the image in the back of your mind of making love to a dude. Tell the truth, and you'll end up in the doghouse for a month (if you're lucky). I try to tell the truth. Somewhere between "Damn, did you just enlist?" and "It looks OK, but I think longer hair looks better on you." Either way, she's going to be pissed that she spent $50 on a new doo that her man didn't like (the difference between the price of a woman's and a man's haircut is a Rant for another day). My point is this: Most men find women more attractive the longer their hair is. (This is only to be taken to a point. If the hair is too long (past the bottom of the ass), men will start to wonder "How the hell does she keep from flushing her hair in the toilet." This will only cause issues).
Women participate in this self-mutilation for several reasons: Self-esteem issues, wanting to be noticed, emotional changes, etc. However, I think the main reason is to establish an emotional dominance over their partner. All women know that men find longer hair more attractive. Yet women continue to chop off their locks. Sure, some of this is perpetuated by the salon industry. They'd lose business if they told the truth, "Don't cut your hair. It looks better long." But most women do this out of maliciousness. They want to see their man squirm over the choice between telling them they look like shit and lying so they can get laid. Don't get me wrong, most women don't even consciously realize that they are doing this to their men. But the harpies in their subconscious know this all too well. They know that this will give them a bargaining chip to use in the future (Filed in the Harpy file cabinet under "Reasons not to give Him Sex").

I'm including 2 long-haired photos of semi-famous women who currently have short hair. One is on a show that I do not watch, Felicity, and the other is on the show Titus. Keri Russell (Felicity) has realized her mistake and is currently growing her hair back out. How did she realize this? No, she didn't come to the conclusion on her own. It took a 50% drop in her ratings before Warner Bros management said, "Beeotch, grow your hair back NOW or we're canceling your sorry-ass show."

Unfortunately, Cynthia Watros (Titus) has not had that light bulb go off yet. The problem is that Titus is actually a GOOD show, unlike Felicity. The only reason I would stop and watch a minute or two of Felicity was so that I could fantasize about those long, curly locks gently touching the small of her arched back as she.....well you get the idea. When she cut her hair, she looked like a 13 year old boy. Titus, on the other had, has Stacy Keech and funny scripts.

I couldn't find any pictures of these 2 ladies with short hair. I have a theory about that, and here goes: All of the networks know how horrible these chicks look with short hair, so they only release press photos of the long-haired versions.

One of the common expressions you will hear from a chick who's just maimed herself this way is that her hair's "so much more manageable now." Bullshit. What she really means is that her man is more manageable (because of the aforementioned bargaining chip). The other thing that you will hear them say is that, "_____ (insert female friend's name here) thinks my hair looks so good." If she doesn't tell you, you will probably hear that friend say it in front of you. You will never hear a man say that a short haircut looks good on a woman and mean it. Yes, he will say it, but this is only because he wants something from her (sex, her to shut up about her hair, food, money, et al). There is a reason why women tell other women that short hair looks good on them. It goes back to primal mating responses. Make yourself look as good as possible to attract a mate. We are, however, the most evolved species on the planet. We take this "Mating Game" to a new level: Make others look as bad as possible. This is why women support their friends when they cut their hair; it makes them look better.

The last group I'd like to psychoanalyze is the group of guys who actually like it when women get a short haircut. These men are the saddest. They don't realize that they're going to all the wrong clubs and they just can't explain why Steve Kmetko from E! News Daily fascinates them so. I pity these guys most of all. They haven't realized yet that the reason they dig their woman's new doo is because a part of them really wants to bang a guy. These men need to come to terms with their bi- or homosexuality. Here's your chance. I have just explained to you why you have those conflicting feelings when watching porn ("Am I supposed to be looking at this part of the screen?"). Come on out of that closet. It's a new decade and millennium, folks are much more tolerant now. Don't be afraid to admit that you like the image of having sex with a boyish looking woman.
Post a Comment